Festive Funnies

RULES OF DECEMBER

1. Chocolate must be kept behind tiny numbered doors

2. All bells are legally required to jingle

3. Days are to be renamed 'sleeps'

4. Shopping is now an extreme sport

5. GOLD RINGS

6. Mariah Carey will follow you wherever you go

7. Pets are now forced to wear a variety of festive attire

8. Michael Bublé appears on every TV channel

9. Chocolate is now the sixth food group

10. Lords a'leaping

11. Deodorant and shower gel become popular gifts

12. So do Frankincense and Myrrh

13. And a pair of front teeth

14.You are required to have a very strong opinion on whether or not Die Hard is or isn’t a Christmas film

15. You are required to have a very strong opinion on whether or not Yorkshire puddings belong in a Christmas dinner

16. You are required to have a very strong opinion on the Strawberry Creme

17.Chocolate coins are now legal tender

18. All hats must be made of paper

19. All puddings must be set on fire

20. All halls must be decked

21. All oranges must be brown and made of chocolate

22. All screwdrivers must be tiny and supplied with rubbish jokes

23. All food must be available in a limited edition white chocolate version

24. This year, to save yourself from tears, please resist the urge to give people your vital organs except through official means of donation

25. TV adverts are now a big deal all of a sudden

26. Garden sheds become grottos

27. The end of the Sellotape will be impossible to find

28. The Batmobile must lose a wheel (on the motorway)

29. Thermostat settings become hotly contested

30. You're allowed to be disappointed if your advent calendar only goes up to 24 - surely the big chocolate should be for Christmas Day?

31. One horse open sleighs are now an acceptable mode of transport

32. So are camels

33. The Argos catalogue becomes a must-read

34. Garish novelty jumpers become high fashion

35. Very large socks must hold very small presents

36. They are to be stored directly above a large fire

37. Reindeer can now fly

38. Penguins still can’t, which is a shame

39. Trees must live inside the house

40. They must be covered in tiny, edible walking sticks

41. Sales of partridges in pear trees go through the roof

42. Everyone must talk about if it will be a white Christmas, even though it literally never happens

43. Every meal comes with a side order of mince pies

44. Petrol stations become last minute shopping centres

45. All drinks must be mulled (except smoothies, which make excellent Christmas presents)

46. You are allowed to wish it could be Christmas, or at least a bank holiday, every day

47. Cakes must mature in the garage for 3-6 months

48. Fa must be followed by 8 ‘la’s

49. Monarchs must travel in threes

50. You must eat a sprout (sorry - we don’t make the rules)

IMPORTANT NEW REGULATIONS FOR 2020

51. Crackers must now be two metres long

52. Mistletoe is illegal

53. Carol singing is a biochemical hazard

54. The lyrics to “Driving Home for Christmas” have been changed to “Driving 280 miles from London to Durham”

55. The office Christmas party must now take place over Zoom but that is still no reason to not embarrass yourself 

56. Dancer must self-isolate because Prancer has tested positive

57. Santa must scan a QR code with the Track and Trace app before entering every house

58. Christmas puddings can now be doused with your choice of brandy or hand sanitiser

59. All Monopoly-based falling outs are now limited to three households

60. Santa’s elves are now classed as key workers

61. The three wise men can only form a support bubble between the 23rd and the 27th

62. Netflix are to release a sordid documentary starring Santa Exotic as the Reindeer King

63. You’d better not scream, you’d better not shout, because that might spread disease about

64. Whilst it might be beginning to look a lot like Christmas, if you find that it’s not beginning to smell a lot like Christmas then you may have lost your sense of smell and you should get yourself tested.

65. Toilet roll is now a kind and thoughtful gift.