The Suburbanites & their Lawns

GOD to St Francis:
Frank, you know all about gardens and nature. What in the world is going on down there on the planet? What happened to the dandelions, violets, milkweeds and stuff I started eons ago? I had a perfect no-maintenance garden plan. Those plants grow in any type of soil, withstand drought and multiply with abandon. The nectar from the long-lasting blossoms attracts butterflies, honey bees and flocks of birds. I expected to see a vast garden of colours by now. But, all I see are these green rectangles.
St. FRANCIS:
It's the tribes that settled there, Lord. The Suburbanites. They started calling your flowers 'weeds' and went to great lengths to kill them and replace them with grass.
GOD:
Grass? But, it's so boring. It's not colourful. It doesn't attract butterflies, birds and bees; only grubs and worms. It's sensitive to temperatures. Do these Suburbanites really want all that grass growing
there?
ST. FRANCIS:
Apparently so, Lord. They go to great pains to grow it and keep it green. They begin each spring by fertilizing the grass and poisoning any other plant that crops up in the lawn.
GOD:
The spring rains and warm weather probably make grass grow really fast. That must make the Suburbanites happy.
ST. FRANCIS:
Apparently not, Lord. As soon as it grows a little, they cut it-sometimes twice a week.
GOD:
They cut it? Do they then bale it like hay?
ST. FRANCIS:
Not exactly, Lord. Most of them rake it up and put it in bags.
GOD:
They bag it? Why? Is it a cash crop? Do they sell it?
ST. FRANCIS:
No, Sir, just the opposite. They pay to throw it away.
GOD:
Now, let me get this straight. They fertilize grass so it will grow. And, when it does grow, they cut it off and pay to throw it away?
ST. FRANCIS:
Yes, Sir.
GOD:
These Suburbanites must be relieved in the summer when we cut back on the rain and turn up the heat. That surely slows the growth and saves them a lot of work.
ST. FRANCIS:
You aren't going to believe this, Lord. When the grass stops growing so fast, they lay out hoses and pay more money to water it, so they can continue to mow it and pay to get rid of it.
GOD:
What nonsense. At least they kept some of the trees. That was a sheer stroke of genius, if I do say so myself. The trees grow leaves in the spring to provide beauty and shade in the summer. In the autumn, they fall to the ground and form a natural blanket to keep moisture in the soil and protect the trees and bushes. It's a natural cycle of life.
ST. FRANCIS:
You better sit down, Lord. The Suburbanites have drawn up a new game. As soon as the leaves fall, they rake them into great piles and pay to have them taken away.
GOD:
No!? What do they do to protect the shrub and tree roots in the winter and to keep the soil moist and loose?
ST. FRANCIS:
After throwing away the leaves, they go out and buy something which they
call mulch. They carry it home and spread it around in place of the leaves.
GOD:
And where do they get this mulch?

ST. FRANCIS:
They cut down the trees and grind them up to make the mulch.
GOD:
Enough! I don't want to think about this anymore. St. Catherine, you're in
charge of the arts. What movie have you scheduled for us tonight?
ST. CATHERINE:
'Dumb and Dumber', Lord. It's a story about....
GOD:
Never mind, I think I just heard the whole thing from St. Francis

Never watered, fertilised, weed killed our lawn. One year, years ago now, I scarified, treated with chafer grub nematodes and dug out all the dandelions. Now I simply don't care! Dug up 3 square metres in the middle of the lawn this summer and planted some spare perennials and annuals. Last year about 5 square metres adjacent to a border became perennial and annual flowers for bees. Two years ago 1 square metre made way for a strawberry bed and 8 square feet for two blueberry plants. The garden looks much more interesting now and it's fascinating to watch the bees, hoverflies, wasps and other insects foraging on the flowers.

I have quite a large back garden. 25% is down to herbaceous borders left quite weedy but interesting,50% has a cut lawn and 25% a wildflower meadow full of various species which are  bird and animal friendly,cut at a high height once per year.I also leave a small nettle patch.
The lawn (Which has my clothes drying line over it) is cut as required to 25mm (when it's dry enough to not clog the mower) The grass is collected and took to the allotment to be used as a mulch to hold cardboard down. The prunings from the herbaceous border also go to the allotment to be added to the kitchen waste I collect and compost.
I feel my garden is symbiotic and ecologically sound, so in this instance God will just have to live with it!

I'm not sure I'm going to show this thread to P

I do mow a large area of grass but as little as possible. A lot is used as mulch round fruit trees, bushes and canes as well as flower beds. The problem with collecting the mulch is it takes a lot more effort to collect the grass and then spread it round the beds than just letting the clippings stay on the grass. I didn't used to but a couple of years ago I put some round apple and pear trees and they had a massive growth spurt. My Katy tree probably had a couple of hundred good size apples this year. I actually counted them a few of days ago and there were still 100 left on it, not counting the ones the wasps were eating.

We do have one lawn which I think the moles know as it is the one grassy patch that they have never dug through in the about 40 years we have lived here. Interestingly, the grass where the clothes line is has produced 40 years of cutting and in that time has had no fertilizer applied. It still grows very lush and always has mole activity. Maybe they fertilize it?

If earthworms aerate the soil, think how much more aeration a mole can do!!

We have two lawns, one small patch at the front that may in the fullness of time disappear for parking but that's a long way down a long list of things that actually need doing with the house. In the shorter term it may turn in to wildflower meadow. The other is quite large and great for the kids to play on. Our lawns are green. They have moss in, dandelions, selfheal, clover, ribwort, the odd teasel seedling. Creeping buttercup, erm can't think of anything else off the top of my head. It's certainly not going to be good enough for premiership football but it's it's good green space for messing about.