Festive Funnies
Vinny Offline
Geordie living 'ower the watter'
#191
Why Unicorns became extinct! Smile


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"The problem with retirement is that you never get a day off"- Abe Lemons
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Vinny Offline
Geordie living 'ower the watter'
#192
Not festive ,but quite apt! Big Grin Copied from a Facebook post.

Ordering a Pizza
CALLER:
    Is this Pizza Hut?
GOOGLE:   
No sir, it's Google Pizza.
CALLER: 
I must have dialed a wrong number, sorry.
GOOGLE: 
No sir, Google bought Pizza Hut last month.
CALLER: 
OK. I would like to order a pizza.
GOOGLE: 
Do you want your usual, sir?
CALLER:
My usual? You know me?
GOOGLE:
According to our caller ID data sheet, the last 12 times you called you ordered an extra-large pizza with three cheeses, sausage, pepperoni, mushrooms and meatballs on a thick crust.
CALLER: 
Super! That’s what I’ll have.
GOOGLE:
May I suggest that this time you order a pizza with ricotta, arugula, sun-dried tomatoes and olives on a whole wheat gluten-free thin crust?
CALLER: 
What? I don’t want a vegetarian pizza!
GOOGLE: 
Your cholesterol is not good, sir.
CALLER: 
How the hell do you know that?
GOOGLE:
Well, we cross-referenced your home phone number with your medical records. We have the result of your blood tests for the last 7 years.
CALLER:
Okay, but I do not want your rotten vegetarian pizza!  I already take medication for my cholesterol.
GOOGLE:
Excuse me sir, but you have not taken your medication regularly.  According to our database, you purchased only a box of 30 cholesterol tablets once at Lloyds Pharmacy, 4 months ago.
CALLER: 
I bought more from another Pharmacy.
GOOGLE: 
That doesn’t show on your credit card statement.
CALLER:
I paid in cash.
GOOGLE: 
But you did not withdraw enough cash according to your bank statement.
CALLER: 
I have other sources of cash.
GOOGLE:
That doesn’t show on your latest tax returns, unless you bought them using an undeclared income source, which is against the law!
CALLER:   
WHAT THE HELL!
GOOGLE: 
I'm sorry sir, we use such information only with the sole intention of helping you.
CALLER: 
Enough already!  I'm sick to death of Google, Facebook, Twitter, WhatsApp and all the others.  I'm going to an island without the internet, TV, where there is no phone service and no one to watch me or spy on me.
GOOGLE:     
I understand sir, but you need to renew your passport first. It expired 6 weeks ago...
Welcome to the future!
"The problem with retirement is that you never get a day off"- Abe Lemons
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Small chilli Offline
Super Pest Controller
#193
   
Builder that would like to go play in the garden.
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Veggie Offline
Super Pest Controller
#194
   

I  apologise for any norty ones.  Blush
The Moneyless Chicken says:- 
Use it up, wear it out, make it do or do without.
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Veggie Offline
Super Pest Controller
#195
   

I can relate to almost all of these!  Blush
The Moneyless Chicken says:- 
Use it up, wear it out, make it do or do without.
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Vinny Offline
Geordie living 'ower the watter'
#196
(28-01-2024, 12:11 PM)Veggie Wrote: I can relate to almost all of these!  Blush
I went carnivore six months ago but my freezer is full of veggies! Rolleyes
"The problem with retirement is that you never get a day off"- Abe Lemons
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JJB Offline
Moonraker
#197
Also needing that bag of beans, peas or tomatoes for tonight's meal, that you know is somewhere in the chest freezer, but having to empty the whole freezer to only find it's not there. Thereby dinner is late that night. Smile
Gardening is an excuse not to do housework
Greetings from Salisbury
Qualified member of the Confused Nutter's Club 
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Vinny Offline
Geordie living 'ower the watter'
#198
One for the oldies!


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"The problem with retirement is that you never get a day off"- Abe Lemons
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Vinny Offline
Geordie living 'ower the watter'
#199
Seeds doing well Big Grin


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Veggie Offline
Super Pest Controller
#200
Perfect seeds for you, Vinny. Big Grin
The Moneyless Chicken says:- 
Use it up, wear it out, make it do or do without.
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